My intention in writing this is to give voice to my feelings.
Look out! This could be a rocky road.
This has been a rough year for me. Albeit, it's been a rough time for a whole lot of folks.
The other day I told my husband I want to have a baby with him. We've talked about this for a while, remaining ambivalent. Neither of us is getting any younger, and I realized I'm just stalling. Am I gonna just keep stalling until it's too late? I'm scared shitless. Sure, it's terrifying to choose to become a parent. I've got plenty of logical reasons to be afraid: this is a lifelong commitment and who brings a child into a world like this? Oh yeah, and I've got a mountain of student loan debt weighing on me with no prospect of that changing anytime soon.
So, I wait for a miracle; a monetary windfall, a healthy pregnancy, continued sanity and an end to my fear and confusion about my family history.
That's what I really fear. Breaking through this block and surrendering to the universe. I can't control a pregnancy and I don't know what reproduction will do to release memories trapped in my tissues from ancient sexual abuse that I don't remember. How do I handle my broken family as I embark on a journey of creating my own? It's my mother that is the tough one. Do I tell her to go fuck herself- that I believe my sister?
My sister remembers a childhood of horror. The birth of her own daughter stirred these memories. It is easier for my mother to call her crazy than to look at her possible part in it all. Denial is powerful shit.
I don't have answers to these questions. Hence, why I'm up at 3:30 in the morning, unable to sleep and thinking about all these things. The emotional charge leaves me spinning.
And so I have decided, despite all this, to step forward into the unknown with the man I love and trust. I am terrified.
